Drafty Bastard

9.27.24

Still not happy.  My wife flinches when i try to touch her, my team knows that i'm not smart enough to work along side them, and i have no future.  I have drug this body along for nearly 42 years and have nothing to show for it but a tiny house and a car.  

Life is not for us.  It is for those born into wealth.  We are only allowed to live long enough to work for them long enough to buy their wares.  I hate my life and everything I've wasted to get to this point.  I miss being poor and living on ramen.  I miss poor friends who are in for the adventure, not just the paycheck.

My time here won't be much longer, i hope, and I can be free of this anxiety and stress that was given to me at birth.  People like myself need to step aside and let the chosen people take this planet and steer it into the side of a liquor store.  I don't want to be here, nor should I be here.  I am a stowaway on somebody else's narrative.  I'm comedic relief.

9.19.24

We're back.  That was just me being sorry for myself.  I came into this world alone, i've failed alone, and i have to learn to succeed alone.  I'm in charge of vulnerabilities of over 10k endpoints and an endless number of cloud resources right now.  I'm NOT THAT SMART.  But here I am, dumb as shit and killing it (kinda).  I have to let myself be sad, there are things that I didn't and won't achieve in my life.  I've made decisions that I can't take back.  Gotta remember I'm an only child trained in tactical latchkey-ism.  I don't die, I don't get hurt, i get dirty and i get to work.

9.16.24

I am not well.  I'm sad, lonely and very 'other' feeling nowdays.  I have no joy left.  I just live so that others have somebody to lean on or rely on, but I have nobody.  My safety net is non-existent.  I have no desire to better myself any further.  I simply wish to sleep until there are no more days to sleep through and everything turns dark and quiet.

I simply have no purpose.

7.14.23

So yeah, It looks like I forgot about this lil project for a bit.  Life is weird like that.  For anybody that does stumble upon this, i'm good, life is good, work is good.  Politics suck and I'm sick of it.  Yeah.

1.17.23

Hey!  

10.21.22

Let me fucking tell you what a world of difference a dining room table can make.  I went 20-ish years without sitting down to eat a meal at a table in my own home.  I never had that "landing pad" for the mail, homework, bills, cards and ferocious games of Monopoly.  Yesterday I bought a table with my wife and it's probably been the biggest single item difference maker here.  I may never feel "home" anywhere in my life ever again, but this is pretty close.  

A new boss can make a big diff as well.  I got absolutely stranded in a role I was not qualified for by somebody who I considered a friend.  The new boss though...makes it better.  My team boils down to 3 absolute chad genius teammates and my ass trying to keep them laughing and not stressed.  I don't know how long all this will last, but you can bet your ass I'm going to be thankful for it while it's here.  For a split second my life is kinda normal and not in a constant state of fear and survival mode.

Don't worry.  I'll fuck this up.

9.20.22

It's important, particularly now, to recognize that the people who hire you do not care about you.  You are just part of an equation.  I've recently realized that even with nearly 7 years tenure at a place with a notoriously high turnover rate, I'm no more important than an intern who just got out of school.  

The biggest thing you can do is get into a position where you have to play their game as little as possible.  Now that I know how much my mortgage is and I don't have to worry about job history or a down payment, my dedication to somebody else's fortune is miniscule.  Your business, not mine.  I just work here, and brother, i'm on lunch.

8.4.22

I dunno man, I think I might just make it.  I really thought I'd be dead by now, and if not, i'd be miserable.  Turns out...not the case.  Shit's working out, I'm working (need to start working out though), and I've got a place to live for like, the next 30 years or so.  Absolutely bonkers.

5.26.22

Find myself on the verge of something great.  Much of my time is paying off, I'm becoming good at being me after 40 years.  My mental situation seems to have righted itself and besides this grease filled body, I'm probably all around better off than ever.

This time I don't think bad is around the corner, waiting to take my milk money.  I could piss for the pope, my resume keeps getting more dense, this bank account isn't in danger.  Growing old is kinda neat.  

There are tweaks to be made, minor adjustments which aren't mission critical yet.  I can certainly do better.  But, I'm not projecting downward and my momentum can carry me through a dip.  Hell, even my sobriety is contagious.  

Come get you some Bastard, I'm playing all the hits these days.

5.8.22

 This ship I'm in is going down, and going down Q U I C K.  My peers have either been here for 16 years or 16 months.  They both look at me as an other.  I drink the kool-aid, but only a little.  There is no home for me here; no perfect role for me to fill.  This has been a square peg in a round hole for many years and frankly, I'm ready for this to stop.

Bring me excitement and uncertainty.  Give me new things to manipulate and mess with.  My current situation doesn't allow for failure or mistakes.  They'd just as soon cut you off than let you learn or get better.  I'm sick of trying to explain Detroit work ethic and grit to dropouts from California.  

5.1.22

Tools and machines are awesome.  Being able to understand them is enviable.  Stop trying to be so goddamned smart all the time and actual build something.  Thinking harder instead of working harder just makes you a student, not a producer.

https://ko-fi.com/draftybastard 

Go ahead and buy me a Coney, I fucking dare you.